Reductionism

I got a lot of stuff I need to process, but everything seems too big and too complex.
Like was I ever fit to help others when I am questioning my own mind?
Am I too distrustful? Have I avoided overthinking so much that I try to not think at all?
Why is the world so scary? I have barely left the house for the past 4 months.
Why is it when I try type things down, my mind turns blank?

Let's see what is happening lately?
My internet has been choppy lately, so I've jumped to less intense games instead of calling the internet company.
I started an online dating account to flirt and make myself feel happy.
Hey, did you know that I consciously look for girls that seem insecure? I got a date coming up next week, I hope I don't get mugged or something.
I was on the fence one time, where I was thinking about buying condoms in case I changed my mind on the date.
I mean, I am still a virgin.
I've declined sexual advances because I wanted to have sex with a girl I love.
But I hate myself.
Well maybe not hate, but I disgust myself.
So I should do something that I normally wouldn't do!
Let's get laid!

But I am pretty sure I'll regret my decision later.
I would probably regret it while it's happening.
And I'm almost 100% sure I'll be disgusted with myself.
That's how I talked myself out of it.
But really? I even considered this? Wow, what's with you man?

I was so mad yesterday.
I was helping my Mom outside cause we had some cracks by our garage, and mice are digging holes to get in our house.
Dad storms out and asks what was the big bang, which was probably the wind blowing the garage door shut.
He starts complaining about how it made the whole house shake and that we need to be more wary.
He then goes through the house, back to the garage door and tells me that I always do things half-assed. He proceeds to repeat himself 3 times, putting a brick by the door to keep it open.
Mom and I told him that we're keeping it shut on purpose, but he ignores us and keeps repeating himself.
I was so pissed that I couldn't even understand what my Mom was saying. I could hear her, but it was all perceived as gargling.

We need to grab something from inside the house.
But Dad locked the front door.
Ohhh, so that's why Dad said that I always do things half-assed. Cause he thought we came through the side door.
Wait, he locked that one too? WTF?

Mom didn't allow me to ask our neighbours for help because it would make Dad look bad.
She told me that she always worries that he might faint someday, even though he hasn't had any history of it.
Maybe he fell asleep?
But he woke up to a door closing, and NOT to constant hammering and doorbell ringing?
Do you want to die bitch?

I wanted to climb on the roof and scream at him, but noooo Mom didn't want like the plan.
But it's already been half an hour, in the cold. I'm not sure if I'm shivering due to the weather, or because of anger.
Mom decided to go through with the roof plan, but didn't allow me to go up. Cause I was toooooo angry.
And I thought I was pretty calm.
Like mad would have been smashing windows, and throwing rocks, and smashing his face into mush.
I was thinking about how to get in, why he wasn't answering, what was the best course of action, along with how to confront him.

Mom gets him to come down, while our neighbour just came out. He just sat there smoking, watching us. Thanks a lot yo.
Dad comes out the door, and you know what he says?
Not "sorry".
Not "my bad".
Not "how long were you guys out in the cold for?"

He tells me that that the ladder needs to be secured with rope.
That he doesn't even know how to fix it.
Do you understand, son?

"Just get back in the house."
With a scornful tone.
No screaming, tears, death threats.

You know what, yeah, I'm not trusting this guy any more.
He even took our spare key in the garage.
He was the same way when we were doing yardwork.
We were lifting a ladder together, and he just lets go of it without saying anything.
Smashing my fingers, and he just looks at me.
Goes right back to lecturing me about how the ladder needs to be closer.

Looking back, I was surprised with my anger level.
I mean, sure I was mad when was lecturing me.
Mad enough I couldn't listen to words.
But when he locked us out, it was just straight up disbelief.

There wasn't that anger when everything becomes distorted.
When the anger burns your body, the feeling of it literally bubbling through your pores.

You know what?
You haven't changed after this many years.
Mom cares for you the most out of this family.
But he only 'care' about me, because I am a male.
You stalked Mom cause you thought that she was cheating.
She caught you.
You denied it.
You lost the rest of Mom's trust after doing that, over 10 years ago.

You killed one of our birds, just like you kill half the plants in our house.
You made my sister cry when you threaten her with killing her personal bird.
Then instead of saying sorry, you said "Why are you crying you stupid daughter, I was joking."

Yes, just like your jokes about black niggas, mexican niggas, white shit, Japanese bitches, and all of your 'friends'.
Nobody's laughed at your jokes for years, and you haven't changed.
Fuck you.

You lost me when I was trying to tell you that I forgive for beating me up all my childhood.
That I understand that everybody has a first time being a father, and you did what you thought was best.
And you responded.
"It never happened."

What?
"I don't recall any of that. I can't see myself doing that."

Disbelief.
Confusion.
Regret.
Tears.
Numbness.

Now I am numb.
And a little deaf.
Cause I don't listen to you no more.
I wonder lately, would I even care if you dropped dead?