Down and Up and Down

Lost that month long motivation streak.
I came out of that job feeling relieved and all readied up to keep the motor running.
A little bump from realizing that all the jobs I looked at online required me to have a degree (or a car).
Another bump of just thinking about whether or not I am going to be late applying.

Those bumps froze me up.
I'm grown accustomed to living in fear.
This unreasonable fear.

Am I broken?
I once experienced this fear that paralyzed me.
My mind was tired, but clear.
Yet my body clenched in fear, telling my brain that I was going to die because I was going to fail out of university.

It made no sense.
I KNEW that I was going to be fine.
But I was stuck.
Stuck in my room, sitting the fetal position.

I tried to relax and stretch.
But I felt sick.
Lack of balance.
Dread.

That, was my first taste of unknown powerlessness?
I like to be in control at all times.
I'd let myself go at parties, cliff jumping, going on rollercoasters....
But I had no control in that moment.

All I got out of it was a label.
I had an anxiety attack.
It wasn't a panic attack, as my counselor informed me.

- - - - -

The mindset of "do-or-die" has it's detriments eh?

Back in Action

Writing is hard, especially after a long hiatus from any.
I saw some unpublished posts I had about my experience with my first therapist.
As I listen to some Janet Devlin, I'll jot some things down.
Have I mentioned that I have a thing for redheads? ;)

- - - - -

I just finished my month long job as an Observer for Presto.
As I was trying on outfits on the day before work, I noticed that I had grown too wide for my size 30 and 32 jeans.
That set me on a path to finally learn about working out and eating properly.
A lot of this was through Youtube videos and Reddit, so everything I learned may not be 100% accurate.

I started wearing some size 34 jeans that my father has hoarded in his room. (literally over 70+ unworn jeans in his room).
A month has passed, and I can fit into this s33 comfortably.

I started using myFitnessPal to keep track of my meals.
I wasn't super strict with my food, cause I knew that it would make me miserable.
Knowing what I wanted to eat, and what was unhealthy allowed me to slowly change my diet.
I even made a friend on Reddit to keep each other accountable (just a little of course, haha)

I did at least a half hour of exercise before dinner during my month of work.
I have been trying to figure things out on my own, since I learn much better this way rather than blindly following some routine.
What I've come up with is Cardio + Conditioning, (Cardio + Weights) x2, repeat, rest day.

- - - - -

Energy has been good.
I'm keeping myself tired enough that I can fall asleep on my bed right away.
I got a date that's still up in the air. It's with a co-worker from work, this cute Irish girl that just came to Toronto from Ireland 2 months ago. (she's not a redhead, but I'm not complaining. XD)

Let's throw some stats as if this were a game.
Let's copy this. http://mangafox.me/manga/baby_steps/v08/c073/17.html
Amount of Sleep: 8/10
Quality of Sleep: 8/10
Amount of Food: 10/10
Quality of Food: 9/10
Motivation: 7.5/10