Down and Up and Down

Lost that month long motivation streak.
I came out of that job feeling relieved and all readied up to keep the motor running.
A little bump from realizing that all the jobs I looked at online required me to have a degree (or a car).
Another bump of just thinking about whether or not I am going to be late applying.

Those bumps froze me up.
I'm grown accustomed to living in fear.
This unreasonable fear.

Am I broken?
I once experienced this fear that paralyzed me.
My mind was tired, but clear.
Yet my body clenched in fear, telling my brain that I was going to die because I was going to fail out of university.

It made no sense.
I KNEW that I was going to be fine.
But I was stuck.
Stuck in my room, sitting the fetal position.

I tried to relax and stretch.
But I felt sick.
Lack of balance.
Dread.

That, was my first taste of unknown powerlessness?
I like to be in control at all times.
I'd let myself go at parties, cliff jumping, going on rollercoasters....
But I had no control in that moment.

All I got out of it was a label.
I had an anxiety attack.
It wasn't a panic attack, as my counselor informed me.

- - - - -

The mindset of "do-or-die" has it's detriments eh?

Back in Action

Writing is hard, especially after a long hiatus from any.
I saw some unpublished posts I had about my experience with my first therapist.
As I listen to some Janet Devlin, I'll jot some things down.
Have I mentioned that I have a thing for redheads? ;)

- - - - -

I just finished my month long job as an Observer for Presto.
As I was trying on outfits on the day before work, I noticed that I had grown too wide for my size 30 and 32 jeans.
That set me on a path to finally learn about working out and eating properly.
A lot of this was through Youtube videos and Reddit, so everything I learned may not be 100% accurate.

I started wearing some size 34 jeans that my father has hoarded in his room. (literally over 70+ unworn jeans in his room).
A month has passed, and I can fit into this s33 comfortably.

I started using myFitnessPal to keep track of my meals.
I wasn't super strict with my food, cause I knew that it would make me miserable.
Knowing what I wanted to eat, and what was unhealthy allowed me to slowly change my diet.
I even made a friend on Reddit to keep each other accountable (just a little of course, haha)

I did at least a half hour of exercise before dinner during my month of work.
I have been trying to figure things out on my own, since I learn much better this way rather than blindly following some routine.
What I've come up with is Cardio + Conditioning, (Cardio + Weights) x2, repeat, rest day.

- - - - -

Energy has been good.
I'm keeping myself tired enough that I can fall asleep on my bed right away.
I got a date that's still up in the air. It's with a co-worker from work, this cute Irish girl that just came to Toronto from Ireland 2 months ago. (she's not a redhead, but I'm not complaining. XD)

Let's throw some stats as if this were a game.
Let's copy this. http://mangafox.me/manga/baby_steps/v08/c073/17.html
Amount of Sleep: 8/10
Quality of Sleep: 8/10
Amount of Food: 10/10
Quality of Food: 9/10
Motivation: 7.5/10

Mommy, look at what I did

Well I did fulfill my promise of going to church.

I didn't go back to my old church, dreading the encounters of questions from acquaintances near my age that have their own businesses, family, life, etc.

I know that I am fearing harmless things, but a young sheep mentioned this other nearby church and it seemed like a good idea at the moment.

Looking up their website, it kind of gave me a negative vibe.

A place where the pastor was telling the congregation to repeat after him:

"pastor ___ is not belittling women". (I am paraphrasing)

"Repeat after me, everyone. I am serious, say it to the people sitting beside you."

Like seriously? Are you that insecure?

Well maybe it's because he was under fire due to something similar before, understandable.... I suppose.

But what about the statement at the bottom of the website, on how they see women in the congregation?

That women are not to teach men about the word?

Is it biblical? I don't really know where it's in the bible, but it just irks me.

(now that I think about it, I feel like it's in one of the first 4 books in NT)

But it was a pretty good service. Great musicality with their worship music.

My scribbles during Saturday night church:

((on Matthew 5:13-16))

Called To Make A Difference

Salt:

-preservation

-trade/salary

"he is worth his salt" -> being paid in salt

-talking about salt being the flavour of the world

-talking about our relationship w/ God is both personal, but more importantly, it should not be limited by that personal aspect.

-Pastor says that people back then understood how to make good salt

__________

Daydream: what is the flavour of my world?

     -family, personal mind, friendship

     -am I to describe it with how ‘Christian” it is?

          -If I had one word to describe this relationship, what would it be?

-What happens if there is a more stable versions of salt?

                -or a saltier versions of salt?

-How wrong is it be a “false””substitute” salt at the moment?

                -what if I don't think that I can be real salt?

                -am I still going to be thrown out trampled

                                -SHOULD I be thrown out?

                -Do I really think that it is better to be fake than to have none at all?

Trying to be light

Have I been the light in somebody’s world?

     ->how about Scott when we lived together?

     -my first thought was that I was a ‘dim light’ that looked bright since there was such 

     darkness in his life

          ->I believe that part of me, wanted to feel better and compared myself to my 

          Christian peers

__________

What if it is the pastor said, that we are light and we do not “try” to be light?

     -> If that is so, then was I simply letting out a small/minimal light when I could have 

shone so much more?

          ->However (counter argument), what if that strong light scares them?

               -> (counter x2), it should be fine if they are scared. You should let that.... you.

__________

How do I feel from writing then? It feels good?

Helps me reflect, feels clear, little pressure in my head, not caring so much about others, feel confident, don’t care how other people see me, cause no matter what, I don’t want to know them if they don’t like this me.

__________

We should not do good deeds o receive a "pat on the back” ->but that feels impossible

     ->I feel like I need positive reinforcement to let me know that it was worth it

          ->can I do this I feel worthless (all the time?)

-Is that not why people should not be alone? Even if our goals is not praise, it helps to have people that do give it to you.

Reductionism

I got a lot of stuff I need to process, but everything seems too big and too complex.
Like was I ever fit to help others when I am questioning my own mind?
Am I too distrustful? Have I avoided overthinking so much that I try to not think at all?
Why is the world so scary? I have barely left the house for the past 4 months.
Why is it when I try type things down, my mind turns blank?

Let's see what is happening lately?
My internet has been choppy lately, so I've jumped to less intense games instead of calling the internet company.
I started an online dating account to flirt and make myself feel happy.
Hey, did you know that I consciously look for girls that seem insecure? I got a date coming up next week, I hope I don't get mugged or something.
I was on the fence one time, where I was thinking about buying condoms in case I changed my mind on the date.
I mean, I am still a virgin.
I've declined sexual advances because I wanted to have sex with a girl I love.
But I hate myself.
Well maybe not hate, but I disgust myself.
So I should do something that I normally wouldn't do!
Let's get laid!

But I am pretty sure I'll regret my decision later.
I would probably regret it while it's happening.
And I'm almost 100% sure I'll be disgusted with myself.
That's how I talked myself out of it.
But really? I even considered this? Wow, what's with you man?

I was so mad yesterday.
I was helping my Mom outside cause we had some cracks by our garage, and mice are digging holes to get in our house.
Dad storms out and asks what was the big bang, which was probably the wind blowing the garage door shut.
He starts complaining about how it made the whole house shake and that we need to be more wary.
He then goes through the house, back to the garage door and tells me that I always do things half-assed. He proceeds to repeat himself 3 times, putting a brick by the door to keep it open.
Mom and I told him that we're keeping it shut on purpose, but he ignores us and keeps repeating himself.
I was so pissed that I couldn't even understand what my Mom was saying. I could hear her, but it was all perceived as gargling.

We need to grab something from inside the house.
But Dad locked the front door.
Ohhh, so that's why Dad said that I always do things half-assed. Cause he thought we came through the side door.
Wait, he locked that one too? WTF?

Mom didn't allow me to ask our neighbours for help because it would make Dad look bad.
She told me that she always worries that he might faint someday, even though he hasn't had any history of it.
Maybe he fell asleep?
But he woke up to a door closing, and NOT to constant hammering and doorbell ringing?
Do you want to die bitch?

I wanted to climb on the roof and scream at him, but noooo Mom didn't want like the plan.
But it's already been half an hour, in the cold. I'm not sure if I'm shivering due to the weather, or because of anger.
Mom decided to go through with the roof plan, but didn't allow me to go up. Cause I was toooooo angry.
And I thought I was pretty calm.
Like mad would have been smashing windows, and throwing rocks, and smashing his face into mush.
I was thinking about how to get in, why he wasn't answering, what was the best course of action, along with how to confront him.

Mom gets him to come down, while our neighbour just came out. He just sat there smoking, watching us. Thanks a lot yo.
Dad comes out the door, and you know what he says?
Not "sorry".
Not "my bad".
Not "how long were you guys out in the cold for?"

He tells me that that the ladder needs to be secured with rope.
That he doesn't even know how to fix it.
Do you understand, son?

"Just get back in the house."
With a scornful tone.
No screaming, tears, death threats.

You know what, yeah, I'm not trusting this guy any more.
He even took our spare key in the garage.
He was the same way when we were doing yardwork.
We were lifting a ladder together, and he just lets go of it without saying anything.
Smashing my fingers, and he just looks at me.
Goes right back to lecturing me about how the ladder needs to be closer.

Looking back, I was surprised with my anger level.
I mean, sure I was mad when was lecturing me.
Mad enough I couldn't listen to words.
But when he locked us out, it was just straight up disbelief.

There wasn't that anger when everything becomes distorted.
When the anger burns your body, the feeling of it literally bubbling through your pores.

You know what?
You haven't changed after this many years.
Mom cares for you the most out of this family.
But he only 'care' about me, because I am a male.
You stalked Mom cause you thought that she was cheating.
She caught you.
You denied it.
You lost the rest of Mom's trust after doing that, over 10 years ago.

You killed one of our birds, just like you kill half the plants in our house.
You made my sister cry when you threaten her with killing her personal bird.
Then instead of saying sorry, you said "Why are you crying you stupid daughter, I was joking."

Yes, just like your jokes about black niggas, mexican niggas, white shit, Japanese bitches, and all of your 'friends'.
Nobody's laughed at your jokes for years, and you haven't changed.
Fuck you.

You lost me when I was trying to tell you that I forgive for beating me up all my childhood.
That I understand that everybody has a first time being a father, and you did what you thought was best.
And you responded.
"It never happened."

What?
"I don't recall any of that. I can't see myself doing that."

Disbelief.
Confusion.
Regret.
Tears.
Numbness.

Now I am numb.
And a little deaf.
Cause I don't listen to you no more.
I wonder lately, would I even care if you dropped dead?