Down and Up and Down

Lost that month long motivation streak.
I came out of that job feeling relieved and all readied up to keep the motor running.
A little bump from realizing that all the jobs I looked at online required me to have a degree (or a car).
Another bump of just thinking about whether or not I am going to be late applying.

Those bumps froze me up.
I'm grown accustomed to living in fear.
This unreasonable fear.

Am I broken?
I once experienced this fear that paralyzed me.
My mind was tired, but clear.
Yet my body clenched in fear, telling my brain that I was going to die because I was going to fail out of university.

It made no sense.
I KNEW that I was going to be fine.
But I was stuck.
Stuck in my room, sitting the fetal position.

I tried to relax and stretch.
But I felt sick.
Lack of balance.
Dread.

That, was my first taste of unknown powerlessness?
I like to be in control at all times.
I'd let myself go at parties, cliff jumping, going on rollercoasters....
But I had no control in that moment.

All I got out of it was a label.
I had an anxiety attack.
It wasn't a panic attack, as my counselor informed me.

- - - - -

The mindset of "do-or-die" has it's detriments eh?